I can honestly say I wish I didn’t have to write this, but I feel obligated. This post contains adult themes, which may not be appropriate for young children. No shiny graphics here. Just words.
As someone who espouses the concepts of Chivalry in the modern world, it seems to me a responsibility to write this from that standpoint. If you read chivalric romances from the 14th-15th century, you see a common theme of self improvement and correcting past mistakes. It permeates the Arthurian tales and trickles down to us in related stories even today.
Background
Online, recently, there has been a thought exercise which has gained the attention of many. It goes something like this:
Women were asked if they were alone in the woods, would they rather run into a random man or a wild bear. They almost unanimously answered “Bear” and some men took offense.
The original conversation seems to have been on TikTok, in March 2024. It has spread to many forms and a dizzying array of memes sprung up. You can read more about how this got started in this article from USAToday or this one from KnowYourMeme.
Meaning
If you missed the enormous point of the thought experiment, I’m going to be blunt here: Way too many men out there have made women fear us. They fear violence, especially that of a sexual nature, from men who can physically overpower them and who do not act in a logical manner. Certain men have made women afraid. A man with unknown intentions and character is scarier to them than a wild bear.
Think about that for a while.
Men Reacting
A number of men have taken offense to the fact that almost all women chose the bear.
Some argue about how dangerous the bear can be. They do not realize how dangerous some men can be. Or how evil.
If you were taken aback by the answer, I am going to ask you to give it more thought before posting your emotional initial reaction. If you have a woman in your life who you love and respect, you might want to have a heart felt conversation with her about why so many chose the bear. Listen to her. Let her talk without interruption. Ask her about her experiences.
What can we, as (presumably chivalrous) men do?
Listen
The first thing we should do is listen. Listen to those who have been hurt or who are afraid. Drum up the humility to actively listen to someone who has had different experiences than you have. Show compassion for those who have been hurt and who are afraid. Give them the courtesy of being able to tell their stories without fear of judgement or retribution.
This requires a good deal of courage to face the challenge that you may have been part of the problem. You may not have been the attacker, or the stalker or the rapist, but you may have done things that defended one or that discredited someone who was a victim. You may have, even with the best of intentions, contributed to someone’s fears.
Accountability
We need to hold each other and, indeed, ourselves accountable for our actions.
Take note of what you hear from those who are hurt and scared. They have shown the courage of informing us where we have done wrong. We then have the responsibility to work for justice. This isn’t revenge or punishment. While the law can have that effect where the law has been violated, the greater justice is in corrective action – to make sure that past wrongs are not repeated.
Offenders may never be forgiven by their victims. Looking for this forgiveness is futile at best. This is not something we have any control over.
The truly effective way is through correcting the troubling actions.
If you have truly listened, you will now have insights into the emotions and thoughts of others. Take this into account and think about your own actions. Change your actions to be better.
With these insights, it now becomes our responsibility to pass on this information to others. It may be second hand, but those others may look up to us for advice. They may not have taken the time to really listen, like you have.
When you see others doing things that may lead to enforcing these fears, it is our responsibility to inform them and hold them accountable. Conversely, we need to be open to our colleagues offering us the same feedback. This is the basis of courtesy – to know how your words and actions affect others and to act in a way that takes that into consideration.
You may not be your brother’s keeper, but you ARE his advisor. Act like it. This is the concept of fellowship, of charity. Hold yourself and others accountable for your actions as an act of service and an act of love, for those who are scared or hurt.
Why I am Mad About This
I understand the thought exercise. I understand the fear women have for men.
But I am still mad about it.
I’m not mad at the women who would choose the bear. They are choosing the lesser danger in their own minds.
I am mad at the men who let us get to this point.
Do better. Encourage other men to do better. You should defend the weak. Women who chose the bear feel weaker than men. Defend them. Protect them. Comfort them. These are PEOPLE. Treat them as such and help out.
If someone confides in you that they have been hurt, believe them. They have been hurt. If they are confiding in you, they trust you. Earn that trust by letting them talk and by listening. Don’t interrupt them. Be there for them. If they tell you someone you know hurt them, you will need to confront this person and find justice. This may require the courage to confront someone you look up to or whom you feel respect.
This stuff is hard. It is also important. Too many men have been too weak to hold other men accountable. We need to start now.
What can everyone do?
While on the surface, the problem is men who do not respect women or who treat them poorly, the underlying issue as I see it is fear.
Some men have made (almost) all women afraid of all (unknown and some known) men.
How can we deal with this?
Of course, the first part is outlined above – corrective action on those causing the problems: men.
As we hold ourselves and each other to account, there is more that can be done.
Empower people.
Friends, if you are among those afraid of strange men, I’m sorry I and others may have led to this. In addition to our changed behaviours, I’d like to suggest that finding a way to reduce your fears on your side might also help.
This is not blaming the victims here. This is helping potential victims to teach potential assailants to change their behaviours.
I am suggesting people learn effective self-defense. From strategic and tactical thinking to actively defending from an attack, these skills combine to empower you to stop others from making you a victim.
The details are beyond the scope of this article, but I would like to encourage you to learn multiple forms of effective self defense. Learn the psychology of assailants. Learn how to plan your movements to be a less likely target. Learn the intense, up close, personal defense techniques. Find someone you trust to teach you and practice regularly. Whether or not to carry a weapon, even a less-than-lethal one is up to you, but if you do, you should learn to use it well and how not to let an assailant use it against you.
Teach competence and confidence will follow. Spread confidence not fear.
Confidence and competence in effective self defence is the ability to use extreme deterrence. That is aimed at when the situation is at its worst.
Even better is to identify and correct behaviours and attitudes before this happens.
When someone does or says something or shows an attitude that might lead to making things worse, bring it up to them and to their friends. Do it kindly. Keep in mind that you’re asking them to be courageous in their self reflections. Be kind in your delivery and have patience.
We can’t just stop interacting with everyone who have done anyone wrong. That may help one victim but does nothing to stop the offender. Rather, it isolates the offender from anyone who might be able to teach them and help them improve. We need to confront them in a healthy way that leads to their behaviour changing for the better.
And that’s a hard task that we all need to do.
Courage. Fortitude. Charity. Courtesy. Fellowship. Honesty. Humility. Love. Justice.
These are some of the frequently cited chivalric virtues. Do better. Encourage others to do better.